Download or read book Frequent Flying Should Only Be for Birds written by Pearce W. Hammond and published by Createspace Independent Pub. This book was released on 2013-01-19 with total page 116 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: If you are a Frequent Flyer or an In-frequent Flyer, this humorous book about flying is for you! The author spent many hours in the air as a Frequent Flyer and while in the air, he wrote down his experiences which enabled him to write this book. Here comes the Jet - hear the roar, Goodbye Honey - I'm out the door, See you in a week - maybe more. It really depends on my direction, and if I can make my connection. Dallas - Seattle - Portland - LA, that's not bad in a single day. I've logged more miles than an Astronaut, And here's some things that I've been taught. I can fasten my seat belt in a flash, Buy cocktails with expense account cash. Eat a meal from a plastic tray, or hear the pilot come on and say..... ....."We're expecting some turbulance....a little rough air...so we advise you to keep your seat belt fastened and not leave your chair. Be calm...there's really no cause for alarm...by the way, we're running a little behind today. We'll only be an hour or so late but you shouldn't have any trouble making your gate. When we get the airport in sight, we'll advise you more about your connecting flight!" I guess by now you think I'm a liar but all I am is a FREQUENT FLYER! Written by the Author at 30,000 feet The book contains humorous chapters on: You know you're a frequent flyer when....; Frequent Flyer Dictionary; Quotes about flying; Airway Rules; Airline Obituaries; Flight Attendant Humor; and Flying Jokes. Here are a few samples from the chapters in this book: You know you're a frequent flyer when.....You've named your two children Douglas and Boeing.....Your ups and downs in life come from flying through air pockets and thunderstorms....You named your dog 'Delta' and your cat 'United'....You've only put 5,000 miles on your car in 5 years....You rarely see the bottom of clouds. Here are a few samples from the Frequent Flyer Dictionary chapter: -Aisle: Cattle Chute that you are shoved and pushed down when entering or exiting the aircraft; -Overhead Bin: A plastic container that passengers mistake for baggage check-in; -Food Tray: Something that can cause severe shortness of breath when the seat in front of you is suddenly folded down. And from the chapter on "Airway Rules." Here are a few samples: -Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory. -Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first. -The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival. And a few samples from the "Flying Jokes" chapter to keep you laughing: -Why does the Pope kiss the ground each time he lands? Did you ever fly with Alitalia? -A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic. All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom, "One of the engines has shut off and we'll be delayed 45 minutes." Suddenly there's another bang and loss of second engine. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they'll be delayed two hours. Shortly thereafter, there is a third bang and loss of the third engine and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours. The blonde then turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, "Man, if the fourth engine shuts off, we'll be up here all day!" This book is a must read for everyone who flies and who wants to experience the therapeutic effects of laughing. This book will keep you laughing long after you've finished reading it.